When Your Friend Is Dying, perhaps the first part of several

[deborahjross]

I've been following jaylake's cancer blog with a great deal of concern and sorrow. He is one of a number of friends, some very dear to me, who are facing terminal illness. I suppose it is inevitable as one ages that more of one's friends develop various serious medical conditions. When we are children, most of us have few if any experiences of the death of someone close to us. When we are elderly, most of us have had many and will have even more.

The person facing their own mortality goes through a spectrum of emotions -- from rage to grief to using intellectual thought to numb out. I can't know what that is like. I can only listen with as much compassion as I am capable of. I can also -- and I must if I am to listen in that manner -- be aware of my own rage, my own grief, my own compulsion to offer solutions.

I remember something my therapist told me when one of my children was going through a particularly difficult time and so, so badly wanted to make things better for her. Ask yourself: Am I telling her something she already knows? Is this something she can figure out for herself? Because if the answer is yes, then the purpose of the question is not to help her by supplying information or opinions not otherwise available to her. It is to ease my own burden of anxiety by adding to hers.

I must remember that when a dying friend trusts me with intense emotions, they are not asking for me to solve a problem. They are asking me to listen. To be with them. To ease the loneliness and fear to whatever extend my presence can. To be present with them in this very moment.

Sometimes about the most useful thing I can do is pass the Kleenex.

For both of us.

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

As ever, you are sensible.

[klwilliams.livejournal.com]

I read once about someone who had died. One of the friends of the deceased person's family came to see them. She said, "I know I can't do or say anything that can help. But I'm here for you." I like that.

I've had very dear friends go through long health issues before they died. Jay is not my only friend with near-terminal cancer. I hate this so very, very much. I hate even more my own poor health, because I don't have anywhere near the energy I once did, and I'm not a lot of help. I don't deal well with death, not at all, and I hate it that I'm not much help with easing dying.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

One thing I struggle with when it comes to supporting those who are suffering, is that I might get it wrong. I have to try very hard--for instance, by considering thoughtful, insightful things that friends say (things like what you've written here)--to get it right, to be quiet when being quiet is best and to speak when speaking is best and to act when acting is best, but all the while knowing that it could be that I'll sometimes get it wrong. That fact shouldn't stop me from trying. If I do get it wrong, I shouldn't focus on myself (embarrassment, self-criticism, frustration); instead, I have to try to listen better to my friend who's suffering so I get it right next time.

[jaylake.livejournal.com]

I commend your instincts. But bear in mind that everyone in a position similar to mine may have different views of their needs. And some of us (myself included sometimes) can be driven to profound irrationality by fear or stress. Sadly, there is no really good answer. But the effort and the caring are enough.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Oh Jay, I care so much. Sometimes strangers can care a whole lot.

Can I draw you a picture? Tell me three things you like, and I'll put them in a picture and scan it and share it with you. I'm not an artist, but I like to draw. What three things would you like in a picture.

I'll draw it with felt tipped pens--or maybe with colored pencils.

[jaylake.livejournal.com]

Bacon, books and a badger!

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Awesome--you have made my day ♥

I'll post it in a comment on your blog when it's done. Probably on my blog too.