Nits, Picking Thereof, In Manuscripts

[deborahjross]

Literary agent Nathan Bransford occasionally blogs a line-by-line critique. I don't always agree with him, but I find that reading these does push my critical-editor. At some stage of whatever work is in progress, I do need to step back and think about these things. Here's a sample:

I slammed the car door and shouldered my way past the men scattered around the front yard Can you shoulder your way through people who are scattered? Don't you normally shoulder your way through a crowd?. I spotted my mother and just about growled at her Do people consciously just about growl? while waving my hands at the moving van. "This is ridiculous. Get my stuff out of there!" I tried not to stomp my foot, but apparently my desperation caused my body parts to take control over my brain this feels overwritten, and a bit too self-aware. She tries not to stomp her foot, does, and then reasons that her desperation is causing her body parts to take control of her brain? Couldn't she just stomp? .

And a discussion:

Dialogue does not have to sound precisely like real life, but it has to give enough of an impression of real life dialogue that we believe it. I'm afraid I just didn't believe all of the dialogue here. The mom's first line especially ("Child-like antics really don't suit you, Kenz") feels stilted. Would someone say "Child-like antics?" or would they say something like, "You're acting like a child?" Then again, I love the line, "You have two nights left to mope around.", which reveals more than anything else in that paragraph.

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

What throws me more than anything is lnaguage. Ever once in a while a word will appear in something I'm reading that just stops me in my tracks because it feels wrong -- it breaks a rhythm or an atmosphere of it's just plain not the right word somehow. And editor brain starts re-phrasing and re-writing.