I tweeted this, because I found it wise and illuminating.
People in pain, people going through a crisis that doesn’t end, see -- very rightly -- their own pain. They privilege it because they can’t help but do so. But it’s very blinding; they see what they need, what they fear, what they can’t move past...
And they fail to see what their partners/friends fear or need; they barely have the mental energy to deal with their own lives at that point; they don’t have the energy to deal with their loved ones. But...their loved ones can only set aside their own lives and needs and hopes for so long.
The only case in which I feel it’s almost impossible to make good, healthy choices for oneself in a separation involve children, especially young children. And yet, the difficulties are often exactly the same as the difficulties faced by a partner.
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Date: 2011-09-28 03:11 am (UTC)People in pain, people going through a crisis that doesn’t end, see -- very rightly -- their own pain. They privilege it because they can’t help but do so. But it’s very blinding; they see what they need, what they fear, what they can’t move past...
And they fail to see what their partners/friends fear or need; they barely have the mental energy to deal with their own lives at that point; they don’t have the energy to deal with their loved ones. But...their loved ones can only set aside their own lives and needs and hopes for so long.
I don’t know if you’ve read Sugar, on the The Rumpus, but one of her columns touches on this in an entirely different way: http://therumpus.net/2010/07/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-44-how-you-get-unstuck/
The only case in which I feel it’s almost impossible to make good, healthy choices for oneself in a separation involve children, especially young children. And yet, the difficulties are often exactly the same as the difficulties faced by a partner.